Today’s tale of all things domestic among bros is another collaboration between me and a previous roommate. As will become obvious as you read the story, the only reason we didn’t become dude-sicles frozen to the floor of our humble abode was thanks to a local HVAC company. If you’re living in Tennessee and you have a heating emergency just check out www.murfreesborotnheatingandcooling.com
“Why is it so cold in here???”
With those few words I would start one of the most terrible (and ultimately hilarious) few weeks in my time as a roommate.
The scene needs a bit of context. The rental property in question was a rambling old house behind the college. Have you ever lived in a place that has been “rode up hard and put up wet”? Suffice to say this particular property was great for its size but not the nicest. One of the odd perks of this place was that it had literally two separate living rooms. All the space available made the cheap rent even more awesome and when I moved in August with three other students we felt amazingly proud of ourselves. The house had never been on the market since it had been converted into a rental property some 30 years previous. Handed from one group to the next, it was finally our turn to try living in the spacious and perfectly placed “Crunk House. ”
But Crunk House had a history and a terrible secret.
Crunk House was huge, yes but that was a bit of a bitch as the August heat continued. Yanking all the windows open and switching on janky ceiling fans did a little to help but there was no denying that the A/C was far, far superior in keeping heated bros cooler. The issue of course was that being such a ginormous abode the electricity bill was insane. Luckily, I thought to myself, summer is over and we don’t have to run the A/C any more.
What I wasn’t thinking was about the cold winter ahead.
“Why is it so cold in here?” was uttered one November morning when the temps had dipped down past the 30 mark (that’s F not C, folks). Okay though, one frigid morning isn’t that bad. You wander around the house in a blanket bitching about it. The bros assembled eventually that day and we fiddled with the thermostat, trying to will it into fixing itself before someone had to pay. The issue we found out was not that the heat wasn’t working but that the heat was CUT OFF. You see, we had gas heat and had just found out that you have to turn it on.
I called the gas company and gave them our information. All was going well until I was told that there was a fee to “reconnect your gas services, sir.” Wait, no, I haven’t ever had these services of wonderful heat yet – I want the regular start up price. No dice and why was that? The previous tenants had intentionally stopped gas services. You know why? There were too cheap to pay the small monthly fee during the warmer months.
Fine. I paid up. I got the bros to pay me back. We had a good winter with no problems. As it warmed up I was looking over the bills and saw one from the gas company informing me that there’d be a service charge monthly (around 10 dollars) each month even know we weren’t using it.
“HECK NO WE WON’T!” I did so exclaim and immediately called them up and cancelled our services. I was extra smart and cancelled without paying the big ass final bill. Gosh, I was so pleased and took that saved hundo to the bar.
Next November. Same dip into frigid sub-freezing temperatures and same question about how cold it is.
Now we have to pay the reconnect fee AND the bill I thought I was so slick avoiding. Grumbling beneath my blanket and seeing my breath inside the damn house, I paid up. Again. I promised myself I would just pay the damn service fees and not go through this once more. That winter was again full of comfortably heated days and nights at ol’ Crunk House without issue.
Third and final November : it’s happening again! WHY IS IT SO COLD? Okay, I have to admit here I just didn’t pay ANY of bills since it had warmed up. Instead of cancelling and feeling smart or doing what I said I would do and just pay the fee until I needed gas heat again….I just stopped paying the fees altogether.
I got all the bros together and got nearly 300 dollars together JUST TO TURN THE HEAT ON. It was terrible y’all and it was Ramen noodles most of that month due to the fiscal failure.
Funny thing though: I don’t remember paying that last-last gas bill. And one day years back the group of bros we handed the house over to probably had the same problem because I got a text message from one of them this morning:
“Dude, why is it so fucking cold here???”
Keep those eyeballs right where they are because next entry will be all about “Girlfriends : How To Have Them As Roomies”