the subleaser roomies comic

The Subleaser

SHAKE, TREMBLE & COWER BEFORE THE NIGHTMARE THAT IS: THE SUBLEASER!!!

Editor’s Note: Today’s story features a guest submitter and the only way I could wrangle him into doing this is the following sincere plug : If you’re moving to the Middle Tennessee area and you plan to own your home, call my pal Thomas, the best damn home insurance broker around. You can find all you need at www.murfreesborotnhomeinsurance.com

It was a cold and rainy night much like other cold and rainy nights previously. The date was the 4th of the month which if you’ve ever had a decent and human landlord that means that you may have one more precious day to drop off the rent check. If you’re me, than you are biting off your fingernails because it actually means you have 24 hours to find someone “suitable” to take over your lease. I had my stuff moved out. I was back at my parent’s home. I just wanted to do my previous roomies a solid and was running out of time.

That’s where I sat : pondering rental responsibilities and posting on Facebook tirelessly begging friends, family and strangers to sublet for me so I could finally move out of the one-horse college town I’d had so foolishly moved to.

DING! Facebook notification noises are usually annoying but hearing this one sent me into near fits of joy : this has to be someone commenting on my subleaser post! And true to my lofty expectations there it was – a comment from someone named Gertie (who the hell is named Gertie???) that he was “seriously interested” and followed with his phone number.

Without reserve I called the number and after three rings, it went to voicemail. I took a deep breath and after the beep launched into what surely is the most convincing subleasing proposition ever uttered by a human. Unsure if my entire pitch even got recorded I doubled down and replied to his Facebook Comment, assuring him that the best part of this subleasing situation was that “you really should move in like, RIGHT NOW!!!!11″ with plenty of smiley faces.

Elated now despite having no confirmation from Gertie, I called my previous roommates :  WE GOT ONE DUDES! They were stoked, I was stoked, crisis averted. I settle down for some solo Netflix and chill, knowing that I didn’t shirk my responsibilities and even, hey, helped a needy person out with a good place to stay. I was awesome.

RIIIIIIING! RIIIIIING! My phone is blowing up. I had dozed off ??? It’s one of my old roomies.

Me : ” Hey man! Hey what’s up?

Him : “Dude, what the fuck? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you. This new guy is NOT going to work out. ”

Me : “What??? He seemed okay I mean come on man we had like 13 mutual friends on Facebook. He can’t be that bad??? ”

Him: ” I don’t know for sure but…I don’t think he’s a college student bro. ”

Me: “What? How can you tell? ”

Him : ” Well he’s like 50 years old and …look man, I’m not trying to be a dick but I’m pretty sure this guy is homeless. He just showed up and said you sublet to him and he dragged in a big garbage bag and locked himself in the bathroom. He’s definitely homeless dude. ”

I was about to say “Not if he wants to sublease for me!” but ended the conversation quickly with a series of “I’ll take care of it. ”

I started doing some Facebook sleuthing. Turns out Gertie and I had lots of mutual friends because….

….he was a homeless guy who spent days around a local dive bar. I remembered now, I’d bought him a few beers and burgers last summer.

Thoughts were racing through my head : how do I fix this?

Then I realized you know what? That’s not my problem any more ! I got a subleaser, that’s all I had to do. I call back, ready to defend my decision:

Me : “Hey dude, look I’m not really sure what’s going on but if he pays—

Him : “Hold up bro, he’s gone. ”

Me : “What????”

Him : ” Yeah he just left with his big bag. He was in the bathroom for like an hour though so I’m —- OH GOD! OH GOD NO! ”

Me : ” What’s going on are you okay?????!!!”

Him : ” NO DUDE NO I AM NOT ! YOUR SUBLEASER LEFT A DEPOSIT ALL OVER THE WALLS! THERE’S SHIT EVERYWHERE! ”

Editor’s Note : Nothing would please me more to say this DID NOT happen but alas and alack, Thomas DID post on Facebook at the 13th hour looking for a subleaser and a local homeless man DID come to our house and completely wreck the bathroom. To his credit, Thomas came up the next day and cleaned it as well as finding a better renter for us all the next week.