Once upon a time I had this roommate and he was not too successful with the ladies. Okay, that’s not fair. He was moderately successful with the ladies and nearly zero on the ladies he was interested in : mainly women who think yoga tights are pants. Let’s call this roommate Jonah.
Jonah comes home one day and announces : “I have a new girlfriend and she’s a Vegan. I’m going to become a Vegan too!”
You can imagine looking up me looking up from my 16 oz sirloin steak and glass of chicken blood like “whaaaaaaaaa????!” Jonah, I knew, was a hungry meat eatin’ man just like me and there was NO WAY he could give it all away for the nookie, come on, but you can have that cookie and stick it up your…you get it.
Suffice to say I was in disbelief but the Code Of Bros demands instant affirmation and support when your roommate says something stupid when it comes to matters of the heart. I replied “Awesome dude, hope it works out!”
It did *not* work out.
Day 1 : The girlfriend’s name is Tammy. Tammy visits in between classes. Tammy scrunches up her nose at our fridge “full of murder” when she stores her lunch in our fridge. Upon inspection while Jonah and Tammy are away her “lunch” is a Tupperware full of roots, berries and what looks like literal shoots of whole grain picked from a field.
Day 2 : Jonah and Tammy are going to “cook something special” for all the roomies. The four of us (me, Jonah, Tammy and a roomie we’ll call Bobert) sit down to a delicious home cooked meal of …..beets? It was actually stewed beets as Tammy corrected me. Beets are purple. Beets taste terrible. Bobert didn’t complain. I complained. I was told that it takes time to “develop a healthy palate. ”
Day 3 : I’ve hurtled home because there’s no way I’ll drop deuces at the bathrooms on campus and instead of a welcome throne room I am greeted by a closed door. BAM BAM BAM “Hey man, I really need to get in there. ”
Jonah from inside the bathroom ” Can’t dude, been in here for hours, I think I’m sick. ”
Me : ” I *KNOW* you’re sick bro! You stopped eating anything that casts a shadow and now you are PAYING THE PRICE. Damnit you’re making all of us pay the price. ”
Dejected I had to take that dump down the street at gal pal’s house. She was *not* pleased.
Day 4: Where the mail is usually left for roomies to peruse instead I see something that suspiciously looks like propaganda from “Big Veggie” and oh, it’s definitely a bunch of anti-meat eatin’ pamphlets. I swear before the Court Of All Decent Bros as well that one of them said people shouldn’t even eat cheese.
Okay, it’s war now Tammy. No cheese? No. No Tammy. Bobert agrees but we hadn’t seen Jonah the entire day nor that evening.
Day 5: Finally see Jonah in the afternoon. I take a deep breath and am about to start in the most convincing “this girl ain’t right for you man” but he stops me:
“Hey man, I don’t think me and Tammy are going to work out. ”
Me (pretending surprise) “Aw really dude? She’s so nice though. What happened?”
Jonah : ” I….I just really miss bacon. ”
You know how this story ends? With two roomies heading to the supermarket, buying 4 packs of bacon and frying it all up quick. And when Tammy stopped by that night to grab her things the sweet smell of pig assailed her nostrils. I know this because I was using a phone book to help the wafting.
******Thanks to Jonah for being a nearly perfect roomie and picking up the phone one mo’ time for this blog post (you always left the seat down bro, for who, I’ll never know) who still lives in Murfreeesboro, TN and eats bacon about every day*****