Heat? Who Needs Heat?

Today’s tale of all things domestic among bros is another collaboration between me and a previous roommate. As will become obvious as you read the story, the only reason we didn’t become dude-sicles frozen to the floor of our humble abode was thanks to a local HVAC company. If you’re living in Tennessee and you have a heating emergency just check out www.murfreesborotnheatingandcooling.com

“Why is it so cold in here???”

With those few words I would start one of the most terrible (and ultimately hilarious) few weeks in my time as a roommate.

The scene needs a bit of context. The rental property in question was a rambling old house behind the college. Have you ever lived in a place that has been “rode up hard and put up wet”? Suffice to say this particular property was great for its size but not the nicest. One of the odd perks of this place was that it had literally two separate living rooms. All the space available made the cheap rent even more awesome and when I moved in August with three other students we felt amazingly proud of ourselves. The house had never been on the market since it had been converted into a rental property some 30 years previous. Handed from one group to the next, it was finally our turn to try living in the spacious and perfectly placed “Crunk House. ”

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The Subleaser


Editor’s Note: Today’s story featuresĀ a guest submitter and the only way I could wrangle him into doing this is the following sincere plug : If you’re moving to the Middle Tennessee area and you plan to own your home, call my pal Thomas, the best damn home insurance broker around. You can find all you need at www.murfreesborotnhomeinsurance.com

It was a cold and rainy night much like other cold and rainy nights previously. The date was the 4th of the month which if you’ve ever had a decent and human landlord that means that you may have one more precious day to drop off the rent check. If you’re me, than you are biting off your fingernails because it actually means you have 24 hours to find someone “suitable” to take over your lease. I had my stuff moved out. I was back at my parent’s home. I just wanted to do my previous roomies a solid and was running out of time.

That’s where I sat : pondering rental responsibilities and posting on Facebook tirelessly begging friends, family and strangers to sublet for me so I could finally move out of the one-horse college town I’d had so foolishly moved to.

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Rent & How Paying It Matters

There’s one critical aspect that makes any roomie worth a damn : paying the rent on time. If you can’t figure that out like the roomie in this post today than you might need to move back in with the parents (the ultimate roomies!)

Remember Bobert from the Instant Vegan? Bobert didn’t like beets (as I did not) and Bobert didn’t like paying rent (as I did not either but COME ON.)

Bobert is not his real name by the way. Bobert is a cruel and unfair nickname that he had earned over the years from an unfortunate fact about himself: Bobert’s name was Robert and he stuttered. More specifically Bobert seemed to stutter on “Bs” and “Vs” more often than other words. You see where this is going? “Bo-bo-bo-books are expensive this year bo-bo-bro. ” Look, I didn’t say I was a NICE roomie, right?

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Instant Vegan

Once upon a time I had this roommate and he was not too successful with the ladies. Okay, that’s not fair. He was moderately successful with the ladies and nearly zero on the ladies he was interested in : mainly women who think yoga tights are pants. Let’s call this roommate Jonah.

Jonah comes home one day and announces : “I have a new girlfriend and she’s a Vegan. I’m going to become a Vegan too!”

You can imagine looking up me looking up from my 16 oz sirloin steak and glass of chicken blood like “whaaaaaaaaa????!” Jonah, I knew, was a hungry meat eatin’ man just like me and there was NO WAY he could give it all away for the nookie, come on, but you can have that cookie and stick it up your…you get it.

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